im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
