tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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