Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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