so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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