It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
