My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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