From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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