Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
