I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
