Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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