did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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