Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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