Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
