I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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