So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
