you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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