i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
