I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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