just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
