He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
