Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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