i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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