I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
