We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
