if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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