When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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