i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize