I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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