I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize