So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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