It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
