brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
