You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
