You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
