last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
