it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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