Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
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