i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
