my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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