R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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