Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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