you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
