Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
