If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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