she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
