It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize