Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
