I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
