mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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