i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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