She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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