No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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