Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
