Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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