: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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