went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
