youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
